By Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, Owner & Clinical Director of Safe Harbor Counseling Center
Whether you are helping with ABCs or the SATs, we know our kids and teens will do better in school when we support their academics. But what if their EQ, or emotional intelligence, is just as important to their success as their IQ? A high emotional intelligence not only helps your student get into college, it helps them thrive once they are there.
According to the Gottman Institute, research suggests that EQ is twice as strong a predictor of a child's later success in life as IQ. Kids with high EQ flourish academically, socially and emotionally, which can lead to greater satisfaction in all areas of their lives (Gottman, 2023).
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is a person's awareness, understanding and ability to manage their emotions. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence (1995), describes four main areas:
Self-awareness: recognizing your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior.
Self-management: handling emotions in healthy ways and adapting to all kinds of circumstances.
Social awareness: noticing how others are feeling, relating to them and showing empathy.
Relationship management: building healthy relationships, communicating clearly, working well on a team and managing conflict.
Goleman reports that as children and teens learn emotional coping skills, their academic skills can improve too. In a large review of schools that taught students emotional skills, achievement scores rose 11%, good behavior and school satisfaction rose 10%, and disruptive behavior in class dropped 10%. In other words, strengthening your child's EQ can actually help their IQ shine.
How parents can build a high EQ in kids
Whether you have preschoolers, elementary kids or teens, there are simple, everyday ways to nurture emotional intelligence:
Create emotional openness at home
Try not to dismiss or disapprove of your child's feelings. Talk about and validate all emotions, even when you don't agree with them, so feelings are never shameful. When you empathize with your children they feel understood, which triggers a soothing response in the brain that helps them learn to calm themselves.
Share your own feelings and experiences
Let your kids see that you feel and handle emotions too. Share memories of facing similar feelings or social problems at their age. This builds empathy, normalizes their feelings, and shows them that coping with emotions is a lifelong, doable journey.
Teach the names of feelings
Go beyond happy, sad, scared and mad. Teach your children words for the hundreds of feelings they will experience, and that they may feel more than one emotion about a hard situation. This awareness helps them manage their own emotions and show empathy to others.
Model emotional well-being and healthy relationships
Let your children see how you care for your emotional health. Show them healthy ways to deal with stress or pain, keep your own relationships healthy, and model positive conflict.
Help them problem-solve
Social problems on the playground or on social media are just as important as fractions or algebra. Kids of all ages need to know they can come to you for help with peers or hard feelings. Stay calm and neutral, and help them think of healthy solutions.
Use feelings to bond
You are your child's anchor. Your empathy, validation and help build a closer relationship at every age. Use conversations about feelings to grow closer to your children.
Put down the flashcards sometimes
So parents, let's remember to put down the flashcards and books from time to time and just "be" with the children in our lives. Talk about and explore feelings at home. Teach them that God made them to be emotional beings. A strong emotional intelligence will serve your children for years to come, in school, at work, and most importantly in all of their relationships.
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23
Child counseling and play therapy in Temecula
If your child is struggling, you don't have to sort it out on your own. Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, has helped children and families for more than 30 years, using play therapy, sand tray therapy and practical tools for parents. Our office in Old Town Temecula is set up just for kids, and we also see families online anywhere in California.
Call 951-252-8411 with questions, or read more about counseling for kids and teens.