By Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, Owner & Clinical Director of Safe Harbor Counseling Center
What is separation anxiety?
Most children experience some separation anxiety at some point. The typical developmental stage for separation anxiety is between 6 and 24 months. At this age, crying, clinging or tantrums when separated from a primary caregiver are normal.
Older children in preschool or elementary school may also feel anxious when leaving their parents. Common signs include crying, clinging, and even refusing to go to school or to activities they once attended without trouble.
What can a parent do? Infants and toddlers
Take a deep breath. Lower your own anxiety about separating when you are in front of your child. Children can feed off their parent's anxiety.
Practice time with other loving adults. Arrange regular time for your child with another caring adult, such as a neighbor, a friend or a church nursery, so they get used to being with others.
Always say goodbye. Never leave without saying "goodbye" and that you will come back. Sneaking away teaches your child they can't depend on you to tell them when you are leaving, which can actually increase their anxiety.
Then leave quickly. Don't hover or hesitate. Your child needs to learn that it is OK to say goodbye and that you mean it. Long, drawn-out goodbyes are harder on children.
Offer a transitional object. A special blanket or stuffed animal can help your child feel secure and remind them of you while you are away.
Preschool and elementary school children
Keep using the tips above, and add these:
Keep them going to school. Unless there is a medical reason, your child should go. Staying home can let them avoid dealing with their anxiety. Talk with the teacher or principal and make a plan together.
Use an age-appropriate transitional object. A family photo, a special note from you, or a pocket-sized rock or trinket you can kiss before they leave, for them to hold when they feel anxious.
Make a bravery chart. Each time your child goes to school or another activity that makes them anxious, they earn a small treat or privilege. Never take points away. Phase out the rewards once your child sees they can handle their fears, and explain that rewards are just for getting used to something new.
Tell a success story. Top athletes visualize success, and children can too. Tell your child a story about a successful day as if you were them, including the thing they fear and how they handle it well. For example: "My name is Sarah and today I got up and had oatmeal for breakfast. It was yummy! I put on my zebra leotard and my mom took me to gymnastics. I felt afraid at first, but then I saw Coach Carrie. She gave me a high five and I felt better. I jumped on the trampoline and had lots of fun. My scared feelings went away!"
Find an anchor child. Invite a classmate your child likes (or you think they would like) over for a play date or meet at the park. Next time at school you can say, "Hey, look, Johnny is here!" Your child will feel better knowing they are not alone.
Provide soothing activities at home. Drawing, painting, clay and water play can relax your child and lower anxiety later on.
Let them play it out. Encourage your child to "play" out their worries with dolls, puppets or action figures, or play "school" and let them be the teacher. Therapists have used play therapy for years to help children work through feelings, because play is a mini-world where children process emotions about the real world.
Read stories about separation and courage. Try The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, Franklin Goes to School by Paulette Bourgeois, or Courage by Bernard Waber. These books normalize the problem and build confidence.
Check in about tummy aches. If your child complains of stomachaches or headaches, talk with your pediatrician or school nurse. Your child may not be sick, but physically reacting to their anxiety. If your doctor agrees, try externalizing the feeling: "Your tummy is trying to trick you by feeling sick. When it does that, tell it to calm down. It will be OK." Make sure your child eats a healthy breakfast.
Moms and dads, take a deep breath
It is so hard to watch your child go through this! Hang in there and stay consistent with your plan. It is actually a good thing for your child to learn that they can get through this. Anxiety about separation and new transitions is part of life, and conquering it will equip them for challenges later on. We'd be happy to help!
Child counseling and play therapy in Temecula
If your child is struggling, you don't have to sort it out on your own. Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, has helped children and families for more than 30 years, using play therapy, sand tray therapy and practical tools for parents. Our office in Old Town Temecula is set up just for kids, and we also see families online anywhere in California.
Call 951-252-8411 with questions, or read more about counseling for kids and teens.