By Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, Owner & Clinical Director of Safe Harbor Counseling Center
We all need to feel seen by our partner. This simple acronym, SEE, is an easy way to regularly let your spouse know you see them: that you are aware of their needs, what makes them feel alive, and who they are. Use it especially when you notice your spouse is down, stressed or feeling disconnected. It also makes a fun exercise to try on a date together!
S: Smile
Get your spouse to light up. Say or do something you know will make them smile brightly. Maybe it's a compliment or an inside joke. It can be silly, flirtatious, or just a look. Maybe it's a back or foot rub. Perhaps it's reminding them of a favorite memory or something that inspires them.
E: Emotionally move your spouse
Look deeply into your spouse's eyes and give them a compliment that touches them to the core. Choose something profound to them, something that lets them feel truly seen by you. Think about what is important to them, what scares them, and what they are coping with right now, and find a way to lift them up emotionally.
E: Excite your spouse
Tell your spouse something you know will excite them, something that engages and interests them. It could be future plans, a change you want to make, a new way you want to connect, or a place you would love to visit together. And yes, it can be something in the bedroom you know would excite them! The trick is to really think about your spouse. What would intrigue them and give them something to look forward to in your marriage? What would show them you see their desires?
Become a detective of your spouse's heart
Did you watch your spouse's reactions during this exercise? Did their eyes light up? Did they blush? Did they seem more relaxed or soothed? Experiment with this regularly, and use it to keep learning about your spouse. Always strive to be the expert of your spouse's heart!
Adapted by Elaine Romero, LMFT (2019), from the "Emote Me" exercise in Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin (2011).
Couples counseling in Temecula and online
If you and your spouse feel stuck in the same conflict, or you simply want a stronger marriage, couples counseling can help. At Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, and our Christian staff draw on the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples communicate, heal and reconnect. We offer marriage counseling in person in Old Town Temecula and online anywhere in California.
Questions? Call 951-252-8411. You can also learn more about our counseling services or listen to Elaine and Abe on the Marriage is a Joke podcast.