By Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, Owner & Clinical Director of Safe Harbor Counseling Center
All couples have conflict! According to the Gottman Institute, one of the leading relationship research teams, even thriving couples have conflict. Conflict is simply any time we have a complaint, a concern, or a difference of opinion. What matters is that we make conflict safe for our partner.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), teaches that our concerns and complaints are often attempts to feel safe, seen and connected to our partner again. She encourages couples to speak in this attachment language: asking to be seen, accepted, or connected again.
Every couple has a cycle, or a "dance," in their conflict. It is driven by our needs, our past experiences and the injuries we carry from life. Sometimes we need to slow that dance down so we can learn a new one, one that makes conflict safe for both partners.
The Conflict Stoplight is a simple way to slow the steps down. At first it may feel elementary, like learning the steps of a new dance. The more you practice, the more you add your own style, until the new dance feels natural. Improving the way we handle conflict is a lifelong part of marriage.
Step 1. Speaker: present your concern or complaint
When you have a complaint, concern or different opinion, present it in a soft, respectful way. Gottman research shows that the way a conflict starts is a strong predictor of how it will end. Come in harsh, and it often doesn't end well. Come in soft and slow, and it will end more productively. Use attachment language, and ask to feel safe, connected, loved, accepted or seen.
Step 2. Listener: yellow light
As soon as you hear your spouse bring up a complaint or concern, slow down. Think of the yellow light. You may be tempted to "gun it," but that isn't safe, and it could backfire! Instead, calm yourself and get curious about their concern and their heart. This lets you see conflict as a way to learn and deepen your connection, and shows you are present in your marriage. Let them feel seen and heard. Don't rush them.
Step 3. Listener: red light
Once your partner explains their concern, stop thinking about your needs or your rebuttal and fully hear them out. You'll get your turn. For now, stay curious and listen like a friend.
Do you see ties to past injuries? Ask if it reminds them of something from childhood.
Does it relate to a need to feel seen, to feel a sense of power, to feel like a man or a woman, or to feel connected and safe?
If you put yourself in their shoes, does it make sense?
Share what makes sense to you, and ask questions about what doesn't.
Step 4. Listener: green light
Once you've shared what makes sense and asked your questions, ask your partner if they feel fully understood. Do they need to say more? They may need time to explain, or a moment to calm down. When they feel satisfied and affirmed, ask for the green light to share your perspective. Get the green light before you explain your own feelings and behavior.
Step 5. Switch roles
Once you've been given the green light, it's your turn to be the speaker, to share your thoughts on the issue or to present your own concerns. Now your partner follows the stoplight for you. Slowing the pace this way lets you both learn a new dance together.
Couples counseling in Temecula and online
If you and your spouse feel stuck in the same conflict, or you simply want a stronger marriage, couples counseling can help. At Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, and our Christian staff draw on the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples communicate, heal and reconnect. We offer marriage counseling in person in Old Town Temecula and online anywhere in California.
Questions? Call 951-252-8411. You can also learn more about our counseling services or listen to Elaine and Abe on the Marriage is a Joke podcast.