By Elaine M. Romero, LMFT, Owner & Clinical Director of Safe Harbor Counseling Center
Our Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally. He sees us! He knows who we are at heart, and we are always enough. One of our greatest honors as parents is to show this same love to our own children.
But unconditional love does not mean we tolerate every action and behavior. In fact, permissiveness and a lack of structure can cause problems over time for us, for our child, and for the whole family.
Providing a home with structure, limits, boundaries, help without enabling, and natural consequences are all acts of love too. Kids, teens and young adults thrive in a family with all of these elements.
"Unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance." Dr. Caroline Leaf
How unconditional tolerance affects parents
Codependency
Instead of helping, we may slip into enabling our child, which isn't healthy for either of us. Without personal boundaries, we can lose our own identity. In codependency, we fall into the trap of rescuing everyone else, to our own harm and theirs.
Enmeshment
Families can be close, but when there is no line between individuals, closeness can become enmeshment. Each person needs to exist within the family system, and every family member should have a voice, an identity and personal boundaries.
Depression or anxiety
A home that lacks structure, boundaries or limits can stretch us emotionally. We may become overwhelmed, and common responses are depression or anxiety.
Signs you may need more balance
You find yourself rescuing and enabling your child in every setting, and you feel anxious if you don't.
You struggle to let go and allow your children to make mistakes.
Your home lacks structure and limits, so your kids struggle with following rules, transitions, flexibility, and classroom or team expectations.
You struggle to stop managing older teens or young adults, and they can't have a voice.
You have little time for yourself, your interests, your friends or your marriage.
You lack an identity outside your family.
You feel stretched emotionally.
What kids may struggle with in homes with little structure
Acting out and impulse control
Following directions and working as a team
Empathy for others
People pleasing and peer pressure
Making decisions
Parentification and codependency
Entitlement
Inability to launch into adulthood
How to keep your home balanced
Structure your home
An authoritative approach, where limits are clearly defined and explained, allows children and teens to thrive and gives them a voice. Explain your limits and help them see the big picture.
Help, don't enable
Young children need you to provide for them and manage their needs. They also need to be taught age-appropriate skills so they can learn to take care of themselves over time. Young adults need you as a consultant, not a manager.
Model and allow personal boundaries
Set your own personal boundaries for self-care and emotional well-being, and encourage age-appropriate boundaries for every family member at every age.
Invest in yourself
Model self-care for your kids: friendships, marriage enrichment, hobbies, fun, adventure and mental health breaks. This fills your cup and theirs. Be the person you want them to become!
"Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no', so that you may not fall under condemnation." James 5:12
Family counseling and parenting support in Temecula
Every family needs a little help finding balance sometimes. At Safe Harbor Counseling Center, our Christian staff offers family therapy, parenting consultations, and counseling for children, teens and young adults, in person in Old Town Temecula or online anywhere in California.
Call 951-252-8411 with questions, or explore our counseling services.